Yes. I am officially an old lady. I went to see the Chippendales for my sister’s birthday on Friday night. It was also my first time ever to Las Vegas and I realized that the expression, “Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”, is not a winking reference to the secret naughty experiences you have when you go there, but a literal explanation. Nothing you do there makes sense any place else.
From the moment we walked into the hotel, there was loud music pumping into every room, elevator and alleyway; you are not even conscious that all thought and ability to reflect floats out of you, it just does. Lights flash, bells go off, people walk around in bikinis, sparkling ball-gowns, sweat suits, tuxedos, feathered headgear, pinky rings, chaps, and everyone is smoking and drinking. Everyone, everywhere, even granddad with the oxygen tank and tubes up his nose, has a cigarette or a cocktail or is looking for one. I saw a midget in a diaper and a T-shirt and I didn’t think “Oh my god there’s a midget in a diaper”, I thought, ”Hmm I wonder where he got that, it might come in handy if I have a run at the tables” (I just said run at the tables. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS).
Even though there are lights everywhere, you feel like you are in a cave because everything is dim or flashing. It doesn’t just serve to disorient you, it makes everyone look better. Everyone who works there, from the doorman to the security guard to the dealer to the waitress in the restaurant, looks beautiful and perfect and like they will rip their clothes off and twirl around a pole at any given moment. All you want to do is smoke, drink, win money and have sex.
Which brings me to the Chippendales. Maybe I don’t need to mention this, but there is not much sexy about them; they are basically football players in thongs, greased up and hairless. But WHO CARES? They are dancing and gyrating and smiling and perfect and gorgeous. We were screaming and laughing and holding on to each other just watching the slideshow before they even came on stage. By the time they got to the part in the show where one dancer fully makes love to a big bed in the middle of the stage, I mean flourishing thrusts to the mattress, my throat hurt from screaming.
There’s a part in the show when they pick 3 people from the audience and bring them up on stage. One of them WAS ME. I did have just a second of “No. No Way”, but then my feet were walking as one of the guys escorted me up the stairs. I need to point out that by the time I got on stage I never once had the thought “This is so weird, what the hell am I doing” (which is crazy because in the real world that is pretty much the subtext of everything I do) and it turned out to be a good thing because the first thing I had to do was give one of the guys a lap dance (don’t ask because I DON’T KNOW). I wasn’t even embarrassed. After all three of us had each taken a turn, we had to be judged by audience cheers. I won.
Which meant that I got to sit in the center of the stage in a chair shaped like the palm of a hand while 5 of the Chips danced on, around and over me. I looked out into the audience and both of my sisters were crying they were laughing so hard. It was amazing. Maybe even a highlight of my life, which is sad because I think there’s a chance it may not have even happened. But I still have this in my head.