Spinning

I realized recently that my first adventures in doing no less than 5 things at a time, came during school when I had to learn how to read, how to count, how to concentrate and cooperate, how to have manners and follow a schedule. Once I got that going, then more was added to the mix, art, science, history, sports, friendship, rules, navigating past mean people and first love, parents, divorce, death, necessary lies, unavoidable truth. It’s amazing we make it through kindergarten.

An Oldie

I wrote this for Soul Pancake a while ago and can't remember if I posted it. If you've seen it already, sorry about that. If not, cheers big ears.

Deep Throat vs. Deep Thought

I want to talk about porn. I wonder about it. I mean on the one hand I get it: sex, boobies, wiggling body parts, sweating, moaning: all good. But isn’t there something inherently sad and lonely about the person who watches it? “I am sad and lonely so I want to watch other people simulating a pleasant experience so that I can possibly feel a physical sensation that will ultimately only remind me of how alone I am.”

I’m realizing this is not a typically male point of view.

Come on, my guy friends say. Would you stop with the sad and lonely? That has nothing to do with it. It fulfills a need. It requires no commitment or emotion. It relieves stress. It makes me forget I have troubles. It makes me feel good. It’s fun. I need it to sleep. I need it. I don’t need it. I just like it. It’s my exercise.

Seriously? Wouldn’t you rather “exercise” with another human being?

No!

Don’t you think if you truly had something in your life that you were passionate about –your career, travels, great relationships, music, helping others, that you wouldn’t need to watch a naked woman with her legs wrapped around a pole?

You’re going down the wrong road with that question, Deirdre. Porn does not replace any of those things. It enhances them. It adds a little flavor. Don’t you have something you like to do that makes you feel good? That sheds a little light onto your dark days or takes you away from them? Something that doesn’t have anything to do with your career or helping others or any of that other crap?

Well. I like to watch youtube videos of cute animals.

That’s good.

And I like to watch shows about spas in exotic places.

Uh huh.

And sometimes I like to read People magazine.

That’s right baby. And you watched Balloon Boy didn’t you?

No!

Come on Naughty, you know you did.

Well only for a minute.

And you liked it didn’t you?

I was curious about it being a set up.

Yeah you were.

And I felt bad that the little boy threw up on Larry King.

Not bad enough to stop.

I couldn’t stop.

Don’t stop!

I can’t stop. I can’t… OK now I feel creepy and weird.

No you don’t.

Well I feel like I should.

But you don’t.

And those other things aren’t really pornographic.

Not in the literal definition.

The thing is, I do wonder what it means that pornography is such a huge industry, that it has been with us throughout history, that it has influenced technology and that it is, as Larry Flynt says, vital to our freedom. Maybe it’s good for us.

Now you’re talking.

But all I can think about is a doughy older man with a greasy comb-over sitting all alone in front of a TV with a beta max and a roll of paper towels.

So what’s the problem?

It’s gross. It’s joyless.

Don’t judge baby.

I just think it’s strange that so many people can get so worked up about something they are not really involved in.

Oh I’m involved.

I don’t mean just physically. I mean if you’re devoting so much time to something, don’t you want more of a pay off?

The money shot.

A money shot for your soul.

You’re losing me.

Why are we are spending so much time and billions of dollars on something that is empty, hollow and lifeless?

Your lips are moving but there’s no sound coming out.

What about its effect on your spirit?

Relax baby, you’re not thinking straight. You’re confused. You’re getting carried away. Ssshhhh. Come on baby, come on now.

Speed Reading

I can remember having a lot of reading to do in high school and then later in college, sometimes as much as 50 pages a night in 3 different subjects. Is that even possible? At one point, I looked into speed-reading courses. I did. “ Did you know that you can read 500 pages of Moby Dick in 4 minutes and have complete comprehension?” Sign me up!

I am by nature an optimist (some use the word delusional) but I decided not to give it a go. From the way I understood it, the technique involved skipping words, which didn’t seem to simplify things for me, but rather the exact opposite. The last thing I wanted to do was to have to concentrate more. Even though it would supposedly take less time, I now had to not only read, but also put the words together like a puzzle? No thanks. I did, however, try another technique and I realize I should be more embarrassed to tell you this, but you never know, I put my books (and sometimes if I was studying for a test: my notes) under my pillow at night. I can’t say that it helped but I also can’t say that it hurt. And it didn’t cost me a dime

It's Like This and Like That

I have always liked the circus and though I never tried to join one, I did study clowning for a while. It sounds weird to say I "studied" it, but I did. The first teacher I had barely spoke any english except to give directions like "it's like zis but no... zen it's like zat", or "it is everysing and zen it is nozing". For weeks sometimes this was all he would say, and then "don't sink about it". Every day we would have to stand up in front of everyone and all he would say was, "be funny". Most of us would make faces, or do a silly dance or make fart noises with a hand in our armpit and the teacher would sit there with a stone face and say "nozing", then we'd give up and walk off the stage and he'd sadly shake his head and give a big doleful sigh. Finally, he gave an example and walked out on the stage all cocky and pompous and confident, he just walked back and forth, totally proud of himself, all Mick Jagger and General George Patton,and then he fully screamed like a girl and jumped crouching onto a chair, trembling and whimpering and pointing to an imaginary mouse. See? Like zis but no, zen like zat.

I was remembering this because I read about this new street circus this morning. I like acrobats, all they have to do is be physically perfect. (Watch the whole thing, it gets better and better as it goes on).

Travelers

An English guy is moving into Heathrow Airport to hang out with people for a month and write a collection of short stories. I think this sounds like a great idea. The details of airports and flying have changed so much since I was a kid, people used to smoke on the plane and your Mom used to be able to come put you into your seat and say goodbye, and flight attendants wore hats and gloves and were friendly, but the idea of a traveler has been the same forever, always containing an element of fear, excitement and longing.

The Agoura Hum

I have been staying at a friend’s house out in the country, which means I can see mountains out the window from my bed and stars in the sky at night. It also means I can hear the hum. In LA, although there are moments of silence, it never really lasts more than 10-15 minute intervals between 2:30-4:30am. Even then I can hear the highway, or the wheels of a shopping cart against the pavement or a helicopter.

I know some of the hum is from electrical things, the computer, the refridge, lights, but I like to think of the mountains humming, kind of like some Chinese monks trying to connect with something more powerful.

Focus

I haven’t been able to find my glasses since last night and I can’t see what I’m writing. When did this happen? Supposedly you can exercise your eyes back into shape by placing one hand over one eye and focusing on an object in the distance and then on one right in front of you. It’s not really doing it for me, although I think this practice, of focusing on something with different perspectives, is a good way to solve other kinds of problems.