Survey

Lately I’ve been receiving two different kinds of emails: the ones that tell me how to make my penis larger and the ones that tell me I can make $3978 a week. There are others of course but these are the ones that pop out. (yes, I said pop out) Somehow it seems more likely that I could grow a penis and make it bigger with medication than it does for me to earn almost 4000 a week selling items from Walmart on my own website.

Are there people involved in any of these emailing/scam things? Actual humans? Or are the computers just messing with us.

Bernie's Descendants

I think the funeral home that posed a dead body on a motorcycle got the idea from me. There are a few things I'm wondering about.

1. How will they get the body straightened out after this?

2. Wouldn't it be weird if, during the funeral, the body fell off to the side?

3. Wouldn't seeing your friend/brother/husband like this have an effect on your ability to mourn properly?

4. Do you think guests posed for photos with it?

I'm imagining the whole scene now with his family at the funeral home. They are leafing through a binder of various displays.

"See?" the funeral director says, "Here's one where he could be standing on a mountain top, yodeling. Oh and here he's serving himself some soft-swirl ice-cream. You can set that up with real flavors during the wake." The dead guy's Mom blows her nose into a hanky and nods. "Here's the lion tamer. That's a good one." They turn pages slowly and sadly until they get to the motorcycle,they pause, and the mom taps it twice with her finger.

Piecing It Together

Darla and Harry have a teacher at their school that works in every classroom (K-6) with people who have reading problems, but his main function, as I understand it, is to terrorize children who are being disruptive in the hallways. I get daily reports about how mean Mr. Mark is. How with a completely frightening expression he does the “I am watching you” gesture that DeNiro made famous, and without any humor at all refers to girls as “gentlemen” and says things like Come here Sirs while pointing and doing the “Come here” signal with the two first fingers of each hand.

He’s not kidding?

Nooooooo, they scream/sing in unison.

Last night at dinner they had the following conversation:

Mr. Mark went to Lilah’s music show with his boyfriend.

What? I didn’t know Mr. Mark was gay.

Well he is. They were holding hands.

(both silently chewing and eating)

I thought gay people were supposed to be nice and happy and fun.

Maybe he’s only half gay.

The Art of Procrastination

I just read an article by a blogger I like about lining drawers with fabric instead of contact paper. Then I went on to read the comments, which included things like OMG, I never thought of this! and Great idea, thanks!!!

I am not the sort of person who lines her drawers with fabric. Or feels comfortable using exclamation points.

However I am definitely the sort of person who spends 15 minutes reading this (when I should be working or accomplishing my goals), and then imagining the whole process: thinking of a good color fabric for the bathroom, driving to the store, finding a bargain, coming home, lining and organizing my drawers, feeling content that I’ve made an effort to have everything in order and subsequently feeling like I have control over my life, and am successful and fulfilled.

I imagine all these things and wonder A. if it would ever be possible for me to be the person who lines her drawers with fabric and B. if that would really be enough to point me in the direction of feeling in control of my life and C. if maybe I’m too uptight and judgmental to enjoy something like this and D. to wishing I could afford to hire someone to line my drawers with fabric and E. to thinking it’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard of.

And then my day is done and I have to go make dinner.

Happy Earth Day

I am usually afraid of heights, but I wasn't when I rode this ski lift. I realized that things aren't so scary when you distract yourself by looking up.

That thought just reminded me of this.

Images I can't shake

I remember once in fifth grade, Mrs Lipinski scratched her boob while she was talking to us about a science experiment that involved looking at bubbles of water in a microscope. Not just a little scratch to relieve the itch, boom you're done, but a scraaaaaaaaatching scratch that seemed to go on for 5 minutes.

I kind of love that she thought we could handle that sort of thing, although I'm sure she was just fully absorbed in the science explanation. Good old Mrs. Lipinski.

Addendum: The reason I had this thought was that I recently was observed doing the same thing. You'd think in the privacy of your own home some slack could be cut.

The Children of Haiti

DISCOVER THE RESCUED from Discover The Journey on Vimeo.

Please watch this video of a friend's documentary and then watch again with friends on May 8th. They began making this before the earthquake about the story of two different orphans. Beautiful and amazing!