Professional Oracle

(Paul the German octopus has correctly predicted the winner of each of the World Cup games.)

Mom, someone’s at the door.

Tell him I’m busy. I’ll be there in a second. Christ.

It’s an octopus.

What?

It’s an octopus.

What are you talking about?

The guy at the door. He’s an octopus.

He’s dressed like an octopus?

No. He’s a real one.

That’s ridiculous. How’s he--? What is--? Hold on. I’M COMING. goddammit…. Oh.

See?

(silence and shocked dismay)

It’s an octopus.

I see that. How is he, wait, is this some kind of a, this is--,who?

(the Octopus, hovering in mid-air, reaches a tentacle into his pocket and pulls out a card, it reads “Paul” and on the back it says, “Professional Oracle”)

What’s a professional Oracle?

A person, agency or animal considered to be a source of prophetic opinion.

What does that mean?

Someone who tells you what’s going to happen.

(Paul reaches into another pocket and pulls out a card that reads “It has to be a yes/no, either/or type of question”. Then on the other side it says “I can’t speak”.)

This is fantastic.

What should we ask him?

Will I ever get married?

Oh brother.

Will my soul-mate come back to me?

Mom!

Will I soon have millions of dollars?

Lame.

Ok what would you ask?

Will I ever get a real light saber?

Seriously?

What?

Of all the questions in the world that's your question?

How's that any worse than your pathetic one about a soul-mate.

That's not pathetic.

Yeah ok.

I loved someone and he loved me and there's nothing better than that.

Keep telling yourself.

You have no idea.

Mom I'm 8. It's just gross.

It isn't. It's a beautiful thing.

Where is he now?

He's in New England with his girlfriend.

Wow. I feel sorry for you.

It's ok.

Mom don't cry in front of Paul.

Sorry Paul.

(he reaches into his pocket and pulls out another card. It reads, "I really can only predict the outcome of sporting events")

Oh my God. Paul!

(he shrugs his tentacles)

That' s not right.

You got my hopes up.

So you can't tell me about the light saber?

Paul!

(As Paul floats away he leaves one last card. It reads: "I knew this would happen".)