A Family of Dorks

We all went to Dar’s orientation for performing arts school. I was so excited, I could barely contain myself. I love school. I love September. I love new books and new supplies. I love new school outfits. I love meeting teachers and getting a schedule; I was totally acting as though it was my own first day, and could not have been more annoying to an 11 year old. But she cut me some slack; she was excited too. We got there half an hour early and got seats in the middle.

Mom, this is you, Harry said, and, scooting to the edge of his seat, he sat up straight with a huge open smile on his face and bobbled his head looking this way and that.

I mouthed the words I. don’t. care., but then I was self conscious, I have to admit. My sister showed up with her two girls and we waved them over. We were all going to orientation together! My sister was smiling too. We winked at each other. Then she took out a pen and paper to take notes! At the welcome assembly! (I just used three exclamation points)

The assistant principal came out and started talking, everyone cheered. He was completely hairless bald with a few neck wrinkles in the back.

He looks like Voldemort, Harry said.

He does not, Voldemort has white hair and a long beard.

No that’s Dumbledore, Voldemore is the Dark Lord.

Oh, you’re right, he does look like Voldemort.

“Mr. Whatdewhoo looks like Voldemort, pass it down,” I said to my niece. She started a chain through five of us. I stared at my sister waiting for her to get the news.

Oh my God, yes! She said. I nodded enthusiastically. We laughed. Someone behind us said ssshhhhh.

Mr. Whatdewhoo was telling us the schedule. “This is on Mondie, Then again on Tuesdie, Wednesdie, Thursdie and Fridie”. Every time he said the day of the week, I leaned over and repeated it to my niece. I could not get enough. Mondie. Tuesdie. I’d say it out loud like Beevus on the couch. We were all giggling like hyenas.

Thankfully, we moved in to the gymnasium where we had our second assembly, this one about rules and such. The head of security, who looked like Laurence Fishburne, (Laurence Fishburne, pass it down) did not smile once. He looked like he would have no problem handcuffing a small child to the radiator if they misbehaved. (You better not get in trouble, pass it down). He talked about theft: do not ever leave your backpack unattended it will be stolen (it will be stolen), and sexual harassment: Do not ever put your hands on another person’s person (person’s person) and dress code: no shorts above the length of your fingers when you hold them down, and no cleavage.

(Cleavage! I didn’t know what cleavage was until my college years, if you know what I mean, babe.)

(Mom!)

SSSHHH. Someone kicked my seat.

After the assembly we went to find Dar’s locker. Before I go on, I have to say something about lockers: they are the single most exciting and important thing about middle school. No more cubbies, no more hooks, having a locker is as good as having your own apartment. Secrecy! Locks with numbers! Personal decorations! In every teen movie, play or TV show, this is where the kids: the jocks, the cool kids, the dorks, the emos, all hang out. This is where they go to mull things over. Where they confront their friends with some horrific rumor. Where they secretly take drugs or cut themselves. Where they kiss or want to kiss. This was where it all happens. We walked down halls and rows of brightly painted lockers, green, purple, blue, orange. I said Look!, and pointed. Some poor 6^th grade boy was standing in front of a pink one. Aww, Harry look, I said.

Stop it! Dar grabbed my arm and hurried me along. We finally got to her row and there, right where her number was supposed to be, was a piece of sheet metal. Her locker did not exist. We stopped and stared. We knocked on it as though it would disappear and reveal a new and beautiful edition. My mouth hung open. I slowly turned my head to Dar, ready to console.

Oh well, she said, let’s go to the office and get another number.

Recovery! It is a beautiful thing.

We walked through corridors and courtyards, we checked out classrooms and rehearsal spaces, I saw some parents I knew and waved, I saw others I didn’t and gave the thumbs up. We looked at the cafeteria. We bought some sweatpants with the school logo on it. We got the new textbooks. And now, we will wait patiently til the 13^th.