Mulling and Carmina Burana

I’ve been mulling. It’s been impossible for me to post anything else this week because the mulling has been a full time job. First I had the experience that led to the mull, and it actually wasn’t one event on one day but a series of events that led to it. Second, I had the all-consuming (and when I say all-consuming, I don’t mean paralyzing: I was still able to walk the dogs, have laugh-filled phone conversations, drive a car) desire to kill the person who instigated my upset. I know; that sounds extreme, but it’s part of my process and I eventually got through it. Until that point though, the torture and carnage that go through my mind was relentless: chains, electric probes, monster trucks, screaming, loud dramatic music, etc.

I never have these thoughts towards someone I care about or know well (there is a different process for that), only to the lateral characters:

A. The person I was dumped for

B. The person who hurt a friend or family member

C. The person who misunderstands something I have said or done and assumes something false about me.

There are probably others but those are the top three.

The third part of the mull had to do with me: why did I feel this way, or why did I need to have this experience? This is usually the most difficult part, especially with “C” because I have such a desperate need to be understood, such a desperate need to be liked, that I think oh, all I have to do is get them to understand and then everything will be great. But sometimes there is nothing I can do to make that happen and I just have to let it go. Sometimes the C is just going to continue assuming certain things about me and these things rarely have anything to do with the problem at hand anyway.

Still, it does take a long time to get to that point, and until then I can calm myself by getting out my chainsaw and listening to this.