I Have No Control Over Myself

Reason # 627 to have children: So they can point out your flaws! Here's an old post I wrote:

I don’t know if I’ve been doing this all my life but I just had an 11 year old point out to me that if I’m speaking to a person with an accent, I start speaking with an accent. Like Madonna. I am horrified and partly fascinated by this. Horrified, well, for obvious reasons. But fascinated too because I have absolutely no awareness that I’m doing it. It’s almost like there is a new side of me I never knew about, like finding out I can speak Portuguese, or that I have a long lost twin who was raised in South Africa with my long lost real father.

“Do I bat my eyes when I do it?

What?

Like this.

Ew no.

That’s what Madonna does when she talks in a bloody English accent.

What? Mom! Why are you doing that?

Why am I doing what love?

Mom stop.

Ok guvna.”

See?? I’m ashamed of myself. She said I even do it when I talk to my black friends. I start saying Oh girl you know that shit ain't right! And with gay friends I’ll say Oh no she didn’t, and do a snap and a head swivel.

Mom you are seriously out of control, Mo says to me.

I am? But I can’t stop something I don’t even have any control over. What’ll I do? Do I need to get someone to record me so then I can watch the tapes? Analyze myself like a play by play? Am I just a desperate pleaser trying to fit in? Or am I old and this is the beginning of senility?

There’s really no comforting answer to this question.