What the hell did people used to do before there was
antibacterial gel at the supermarket? I was wondering this while I watched some
woman slather it up to her elbows and then onto her child’s tiny dimpled hands.
As if that wasn’t enough, then she squirted a load onto the handle of the shopping cart, and rubbed
it in like she was a crack-whore giving it a five-dollar hand job. She knew what she was doing, this gal.
And she was smiling! Smiling as if
to say, I am taking control of my life, I will never allow germs, bacteria or
possible bits of fecal matter to enter my world and cause me, or my precious
family members, to get flulike symptoms. I have to say, it was mesmerizing. The
whole procedure was so strange and wrong and oddly titillating, I wanted to drop
to the ground and roll around like an old, happy dog on top of a dead squirrel.
Instead I gave her a self-righteous glare: Seriously woman?
You think you’ve got it all under control? Everything all clean and perfect?
Well it’s not! You’re going to get sick, you’re going to get germs, you’re
going to get golden, oozing infections just like the rest of us, only yours
will be worse because they will be rare anti-bacterial-gel mutations. “Now go
buy your organic produce, YOU FREAK!” And I let my glare follow her all the way
into the store.
Going to the grocery store is exhausting.
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