I don’t know how or why this has started happening but lately every time I talk to a woman, be it my sister, best friend, nurse or random lady in the post office, I stare at their boobs. What the hell is going on? I can start off ok, but within seconds my eyes start to wander downwards, I can feel it as it’s happening and I have no control over it whatsoever. It’s like there is a 13-year-old boy inside my head whispering: boobs, boobies, big breasts, titties, and I have to look. It’s gotten so bad that I anticipate it during a conversation and try to compensate by staring directly into their eyes like I’m hypnotized, and then the angel and devil pull up chairs by the ringside and start in:
“Go on kid, have a look.
Don’t do it, Deird, it makes you seem really immature and well, weird.
They’re just boobs, kid, go on they’re meant to be looked at.
It sends the wrong message, don’t do it.
Just check em out, you know you want to.”
My eyes just shake downward once, and the devil jumps up, arms raised: Yes!
Alarms go off, confetti falls.
I don’t know what to do about this. It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with my own awkward and juvenile tics. It’s like I’m sabotaging myself in social situations. And yet I do it even with my own sister, a person I don’t ever feel self-conscious around. I think it may have started after my father went into the hospital, I’ve recently had to see him naked on an almost daily basis and maybe in order to deal with that horrifying fact in a dignified way, I had to hip check my immature impulse into another arena.
I have to talk to women, I have meetings and exchanges where I want to appear sane and in control of myself. Should I just make a statement about my tic? Get it out in the open? Or do I pretend it's not happening? I think I'm doomed.
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