Friday, September 23, 2011

Dork For Evah

I almost got into a genuine Jerry Springer hair-pulling throat punching fist fight at parent's night. In my mind I did anyway. In reality, I sat at my desk in the front row, trying to listen to the English teacher talk about what books the class will be reading this year. Just as she was getting started, some lady with leopard skin pants, 5 inch heels, and a full coating of orange makeup walked in and sat behind me (I know that sounds snooty and like I'm judging and while it is and I am, I'm mainly pointing it out because she seemed out of place). She wasn't the one I wanted to smack anyway. Even though she was cracking her gum and her phone did go off two minutes after she sat down --Apple Bottom Jeans, full volume. She apologized. It wasn't entirely her fault that some guy from the back row then started a conversation with her about how big his balls were.
Like a catcher's mitt, baby.
Oh for real?
That's what I heard anyway. I looked to the teacher who was the all time master of not being distracted by people who can't pay attention. She looked tired, exhausted really, but still able to muster whatever it takes to teach 36 students in one classroom how to write a poem. I don't think she heard the two dingdongs having a conversation. But I did. I turned to shush the guy. (And now before you judge me, I mean go ahead you're probably right, I know that's a dork move, but that's how I get in a classroom.) He looked at me with his chin pulled in, like Psssshh, who the hell are you. The lady just stifled a giggle. All the other parents looked away. I looked to the teacher again who was still talking but was now turning her body away from the side of the room where the commotion was happening, so I just glared at the big monkey.
On the way out he said Don't shush me babe. I have every right to be here.
I was trying to listen! I said.
Yeah, he said, waved his hand at me and walked away.
In my mind, I did a slow motion flying kick to the back of his head while time stopped, everyone cheered and I became the most popular girl in school, but in reality I just looked down at my schedule and pretended to look for my next class.


  1. I'm losing my shit just thinking about it! :)

    How about... "This person is about to educate your child for the next few months and the absolute least you could do was show her some respect during a five minute talk, asshat. And, besides, everybody knows your balls are tiny. Yeah, that's right...You're TinyBallsDad. We all knoooow."

    See? Losing my shit! Haha!

  2. I know! I kept thinking I should have just said, why are you here??