Every Day At The Market

I go to the grocery store almost every day. Sometimes more than once. I know the full layout of the place: produce, frozen, dairy, cereal, dish soap, water, etc. I recognize some of the people who work there, and we know each other well enough to ask, how are you? or have a chat about the latest People headline, but that’s it.

I think recently the employees were given a pep talk about welcoming customers when they walk in the store and it always makes me uneasy and a little bit annoyed. I DON’T KNOW WHY.

Hello, welcome to Piggly Wiggly.

What?

Or

Hello, welcome to Piggly Wiggly, can I help you find something?

I JUST WALKED IN! LET ME ACCLIMATE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Or

Hello welcome to Piggly Wiggly, can I help you find something today?

Back. The Fuck. Off.

Whoa.

I’m sorry. I just don’t need you in my face right now.

But I-

I gotta walk around those freaks with the clip-boards and their blue pinnys, asking me if I care about the environment.

Well, uh—

Seriously? Do I care about the environment? What kind of lame passive/aggressive question is that? Of course I care about the fucking environment. I just don’t want to stand in a parking lot talking about it.

Geez

And now you’re right up in my face.

Oh, sorry

No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that out loud, but seriously, give me a minute before you attack me.

(chuckling) What—

I don’t even know what I want yet. How could you help me if I don’t even know—

I was just trying to be friendly.

But, see a friend doesn’t get all up in my face like that. A friend takes one look at me, assesses my situation, gives me a little space, and then decides what to say.

Oh-

See you’re missing those crucial first steps. Don’t just spout out the same little words to everyone, you gotta read the person first. It only takes a few seconds.

Ok, ok let me try: Hi welcome to Piggly Wiggly, what the hell’s wrong with you?

See, that’s better, but you know, only a few of us can get away with that kind of aggression, if you can’t say it with love, then I think you’re just being mean.

Ok, um.

That’s not what you want.

Hmmm.

You can do it. I know you can.

Welcome to Piggly Wiggly. I love you. I’m here if you need me.

That’s IT. See? Now you’re on to something.

(my grocery store is not called Piggly Wiggly, but if I lived down south it would be)