Problems That Are Not Problems

The first headline I noticed this morning was “Indian Billionaire faces Unusual Dilemma: Tycoon sits on mountain of cash and says he has no place to put it”. A mountain of cash! And this guy is just sitting up there. I couldn’t read anymore. My mind first went to the streets of India, where thousands of people swarm the streets, legless, armless, sick, bloated, mal-nourished, young, old, crawling over each other like ants, holding their hands out, moaning and crying, pleading for relief. And then back to this guy over on his mountain: the tycoon, stymied. Solutions to other people's problems always seem so easy.

What I Need to Hear

Last night, in the wee sleepless hours of my room, I started to do what I do every year around this time: to berate myself about bad decisions and all the things I failed to accomplish and probably never will. Almost without fail, whenever I stop "steering" (yes I just used airquotes)(because I'm old), whenever I stop "steering", this is the familiar road I go down. Then I checked my email and saw a sweet note from my sister which snapped me out of the doldrums. Miraculously, simply, and with perfect timing, yes, that's what it did. So, in honor of that, here's an old post about celebrating the small and important and good things that happen every day.

                                                                    Learning

Over the weekend Harry and I went to watch some of his classmates test for their black belts in tae kwon do. I think I’ve learned more about learning and discipline and self-confidence in watching Harry’s tae kwon do class than in 12 plus four years of school. Who knew there could be such amazing benefits from doing the same thing over and over and over? Who knew that what feels like a treadmill is actually an entire landscape of progression? Part of the test involved writing (and reading in front of an audience) an essay about what you like about martial arts, what got you interested, what you don’t like about it and how you incorporate it into your every day life. At the end of each essay, the student thanked all those who supported them in their training: parents, friends, siblings and teachers.

It made me think that it would be a good idea to have a special ceremony for every big decision, commitment or project in your life. First you would skillfully demonstrate all that you have learned in making the decision, walking the audience through each stage of the process, and culminating in a miraculous trick, one you would never be asked to use every day, but something you could be confident was up your sleeve, like breaking two inch thick boards with your elbow, and two more with your foot. Finally you would stand up in front of your family and friends and tell them why you did what you did, what you’ve learned and whom you’d like to thank. And after everyone had finished applauding and wiping away tears, you would be presented with a medal or a trophy and photographed for your hometown newspaper.

Merry Christmas!

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling      

You're welcome.

Christmas Time: Part 2

I didn’t give up. But I didn’t go back to the stores. Yet. I’m sure I will. Even with the crowds and the white BMWs and the overheard arguments, there are always moments of real sweetness. I think that’s what I love about this song, it’s sad and heavy and hopeful and light. It’s the end and it’s the beginning.

Here's something John Shanley wrote:


Run the old stuff down, run it out, toss the weight of trash in your heart into the fire. December is the ruthless month. Pick up all your heartbreak and fling it out the window. Call everybody. Make peace and move on. Let those who wish to linger, let them linger and grieve. They will run and catch up to you if you move on. You are the leader when it comes to joy. Move forward towards joy

Clockwork

How is it possible to love something and hate it so much at the same time? I don’t know. Maybe that question is better left unexamined. Maybe it’s better to figure out how to deal with the quandary. The way I deal with it is to shut down my brain and shuffle around like a zombie. I realized this when I was Christmas shopping yesterday. I love getting gifts for people but somehow every single year I go through the exact same pattern

November 26: See one gift for someone but don’t buy it because there’s plenty of time.

December 5: Laugh at friends who are wrapping gifts and pity them for being insane, uptight, micro-managing nutcases: It’s supposed to be fun you guys!

December 10: Start noticing Christmas decorations around the neighborhood. God these people are on top of things! Send photo of palm tree with lights to Mom back east. Look at these California crazies!

December 12: Pull out 500 foot long strands of lights and untangle them. (after an hour throw in trash and go to Home Depot). Hang lights on porch in the dark at 6pm. Feel manly and proud. Feel sad and wish I had a husband.

December 17: Realize there are only 7 days left to buy gifts, decide to go tomorrow.

December 18: Go shopping for the first time since back to school. Narrowly avoid rage confrontation with driver of white BMW who pulls into space I am waiting for. Decide oh well I have beautiful children and a loving family. Imagine shooting him in the face. Think about coffee I am going to reward myself with after getting some gifts out of the way. Stop into store I like on the way into kids store. See three things I have to have for myself right away. Justify in angel/devil interior dialogue by saying I haven’t bought anything for myself since last year. Feel sick and hate myself. Get coffee. Stand in line order line for 10 minutes, pick-up line for 20. Go to store where I saw original gift. Realize they are sold out. Make decision to give up for today, go home and write a list. On the way out, see some pretty gift wrap. Stand in 50 foot line. Start sweating. Wonder why I’m wearing a heavy coat inside. Smile at sweet little baby staring at me. Feel happy. Realize I am by myself and am having fun! Wish I had a husband. Get a lump in my throat. Have a little chit chat with the girl at the register; make a connection because we both are tired. Love everyone and make decision to make personal gifts for everyone in addition to the fantastic ones I’m going to buy.

TO BE CONTINUED… (yes, it’s still happening)

The Greatest Dancer: Christopher Hitchins

I had been thinking of Hitchins the past few days because I read recently something he wrote about the expression: Whatever doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger. It's not true, he said, usually it makes you weaker. His style of argument was to say something inflammatory (i.e. Women aren't as funny as men; God doesn't exist) and then convince you he was right. Not many people can do this and keep your attention, but he could. Like a great dancer, he just made you want to watch (or in his case, listen). He was graceful, brilliant and always one step ahead. Do yourself a favor and read something he wrote today:
start here.

Interior Adolescence

Part of my problem as a human and a parent is that I have (at least) two interior monologues battling for supremacy. One says something like:

I have realized (kind of recently) that if you can master the simplest things, you can master the most difficult. It’s just a matter of planning and follow-through. If you can get out of bed at a certain time and do everything that needs to be done before you walk out the door, then everything you do after that can follow the same pattern. The trick is being aware while it’s all happening.

And the other one says:

Ok. I get it. If I get out of bed I'll be successful. Now shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

One watches this video and says, Amazing! The other one furrows brow, shakes head and says, Seriously?