Not For Me

I am terrified by the idea of online dating. There is not one single thing about it that I find positive or appealing, and every imagined scenario I have leads me straight to a basement apartment with shag carpeting, a stained sofa, and a VHS video camera.

And yet.

Then I think , Fuck you (me) why are you such a critical snob. There are a lot of interesting people who know how to use the internet these days. Stop thinking of the worst. Dreams can come true.

So I filled out a form. And it took me a goddam hour. And I actually had to write what I thought of myself. I had to pitch myself. I could hear the bowchickabowow music in the background: Hi my name is Deirdre, I like warm weather and hiking and I have a fantasy about never having to repeat myself or going to the grocery store, ever again. I didn’t put any photos because I felt like that was too much of a commitment to the whole idea. That meant I was serious.

Yes I’m a wimp.

If you put photos I think you can get direct responses from guys who like what they see, but you also get photos of guys that the computer matches you with according to the data you entered (I just said data), based on things like “oldest child” or “has an unclean, cluttered car interior”. Random matches. That’s what I got. And before I go on, I have to say god bless all those guys who took time to fill out an application and pose for photos and were hopeful and vulnerable just like I was and didn’t pass judgment or feel superior to the whole process.

But really? All that hour of info I supplied them with and they sent me photos of guys who look like my Uncle Walter or an insurance agent or a Denny’s manager. There was one photo of a guy wearing a t-shirt that came past his knees. I mean he was wearing pants, but it’s still not a good look for any man over the age of 3. It’s just not. And do you hear how I’m talking now? How I’m judging? How I’m saying no and never and ew gross, look what he’s wearing.

I think I have serious problems when too much is left to the imagination.