Thursday, September 6, 2012

On Being a Good Guest

I was talking with my son-in-law about a recent out of town guest that peed the bed. It was the boyfriend of Mo’s friend from college. They have a lot of visitors because they live in New Orleans.
Was he drunk? I asked.
Not that drunk.
He seemed like a reasonable guy, Ryan said. We went out, came back and everyone went to sleep. I had to get up early so I walked through the room where they were sleeping, only the girl was on the couch, the guy was on the blow-up mattress and his (wet) shorts were hung neatly over the radiator.

I could hear Mo’s voice in the background, “You didn’t know he had peed!!”

No, that’s true, I didn’t know, Ryan said.  It wouldn’t have occurred to me.
Hmm, I tapped my chin with my finger, thinking. “And they never mentioned it?”
Nope, when I got home, Mo was spraying down the mattress in the back yard and she was pissed.

So to speak.
Maybe the guy did a golden shower.
Ryan put his hand over the phone and yelled to whatever room Mo was in, “Your mom thinks maybe he did a golden shower”.
I could hear the irritation in her muffled voice, “Through his shorts?!”
Oh yeah.
That would be weird.
Maybe that’s his little flair.
Your mom thinks that was his signature move, Ryan yells.
Tell her she needs to stop, Mo yelled back.
Ryan, who is from the south and has meticulous manners, didn’t say anything.
I heard her, I say.
He chuckles.
Well, Ry, I don’t know what to say, are they supposed to come back tonight?
No, I mean they were, but I think they’re done. Morgan said the only way they can come stay again is if the guy apologizes.
And that's not likely.

Later on I talked to Mo about it. "You know it's really not that bad," I said.
What are you talking about? It's bad! It's bad in about 17 glaring ways, not least of which is that I'm probably going to have to throw away our guest bed, which isn't cheap, even after I scrubbed it for an hour. It's worse than cat piss.
Okay, that's bad.
And he chain-smoked and drank and ate everything we had without replenishing.
And when we went to a bar, Ryan gave him money for a drink and he didn't give him any change back.
Okay, you're right, I get the picture.

Guests are like fish, they go bad after 2 days. -Mark Twain

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