The Difference between English and American

One of my best friends asked me to lance a boil on his ass. Except he's English, so it sounded like:

"L- ahnce a boil on my ah-ss".
Are you hitting on me?
Please. It really hurts.
Inside the ahss or outside?
I can't sit. Here, feel it.
Um.
Give me your finger.
That would be a HELL NO.
I'm suffering.
I would be too if I put my finger up in there.
Please, the pain is making me dizzy.
You want to pull your pants down, spread your cheeks, and have me go in there with a knife.
A razor (ray-za), but yes.
I suppose I should be honored--

Yes.

--In a weird way.

You'd be doing me a favor.

I can't believe you tell me I'm vulgar.
You are.
Just because I don't talk with some fancy-ass accent?
I'd do it myself but I can't see.
That's what the fat girl said.
Just stop.
Badum pshhhh.
There's very few people I could trust to do this.
Oh, so now you're flattering me?
Come on then.
It's tempting but I just don't think it's an image I could ever erase from my mind.
Bollocks, I'll do it myself.
That's the American way!