The Odyssey

My Dad's style is cowboy/soldier/dandy.

For the past three years I have been trying to help my Dad buy a new pair of pants. We have been trying for so long that "buying a pair of pants" no longer means, you know, purchasing something to wear, but rather: going on a quest with a trusty sidekick for something unattainable through infinity and beyond. What is the purpose? How do they stay motivated? Who is really the main character and who is the trusty sidekick? We go. We search. We get distracted. We fail, and then we drop it for a few months until it's time again.

When he calls, I am never quite sure if he is kidding or completely serious, so I always assume he is both.

Hello?
Is Deirdre there?
Hi Dad, it's me.
Who?
It's Deird, you just called.
Which one are you?
I'm the oldest.
Okay, nice talking to ya. (he chuckles)
Is this about the pants?
Who? What the--? How did you know?
Just a guess.
Well, yes it is. Now listen, I had an idea.
Yeah.
I've been thinking about the pants, and I think I know exactly what I want.
What's that?
They're the ones with all the...all the... you know, pockets.
Cargo pants.
Yes. Cargo pants but they need the....ah, they have to have the....um
They need the elastic waistband.
Yeah the stretch waist.
And "they have to be hip and cool"--
I'll say it. (long pause of silence)
They have to be stylish.
Yes! I want them to be a cool style so everyone on the street falls to their knees in jealousy and admiration.
We could go to Target.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Target is good.
That's probably the worst store in the history of civilization.
It's not, Dad, they have cool stuff. People go to that store and they start crying they have such amazing and beautiful stuff.
All right we can try it.
Or we could go to Army/Navy.
Yes!
Yes!
That's it. What time are you coming?
I'll be a couple hours.
All right, I'm waiting.
click

Ten seconds later the phone rings again--

Hello?
Hi, you know, I was thinking. I used to go to this store in Hollywood.
Yeah?
It's down near 3rd?
I'm not sure.
It's very elite.
Um
It has ivy.
Huh?
Near Crescent Heights.
Fred Segal.
YES!
Dad you can't get pants there for less than $500.
I know, they're great.
It's pretty far, Dad.
Yeah.
I don't want to have to drive all the way out to yours and then all the way back in and then all the way back out, and all the way back in again.
Yeah, it's too much.
Let's just go to Army/ Navy.
You think they have cargo pants?
Yep.
Stylish?
Let's just go look.
Okay.
click

And we haven't even started yet!!!

To Be continued...