Friday, May 4, 2012

Golden Retriever Anonymous

My name is Deirdre Lewis and I hate golden retrievers.

Hi Deirdre! Welcome.

This is hard for me.

We’re here for you, honey, go ahead.

It’s hard because I love all dogs, I really do, even cocker spaniels with brown eye boogers. I love them, even when they smell like the driver seat in an un-air-conditioned greyhound bus. The thing about golden retrievers though; they’re evil. They look like the all American cheerleader/quarterback, they act friendly and all “Hey, howya doing”, but really they are planning to destroy the world.

Mmm hmm. That’s right.

If Rush Limbaugh was a dog, I guarantee he’d be a golden retriever: a big fat one that weighs as much as a 16 wheeler. All he’d do is lick his balls slowly and loudly and lovingly all day, and then thump his tail once or twice when you walked in through the front door. Like it's a big goddam deal. But secretly he’d be planning to pull your arm out of your socket when you take him for a walk.

So true.

It is! When I walk my dogs and this lady comes down the street with her golden retriever, I have to cross to the other side. You think he’s going to be friendly, I mean his name is Zac or Cody and he wears a bandana, but he’s not. In two seconds he’d have his paw on their back and be humping their little faces. It’s sickening…oh.

You can do it Deirdre! We love you!

I hate them. I hate their fur. I hate their panting. I hate how heavy they are and what they smell like. I hate that they are so traditional. I hate that everyone loves them. Even my own mother. She has one. I’ve tried to talk her into setting it free near the highway, but she thinks I'm kidding. She's completely in denial, even after the dog once tried to kill her by dragging her down a hill and forcing her to crack her head open on a rock. She doesn't get it! She just..doesn't...get it. I'm sorry....Thank you. My name is Deirdre Lewis and I hate golden retrievers.

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