Friday, May 11, 2012

Mom Training Camp

Lots of Moms milling around. Some jogging. A few doing calisthenics. Coach blows whistle.

COACH: Ok people listen up. Off the field, come on. Hustle... Hustle. Come on Fatty, put a little wiggle in your wagon. Atta Girl. Atta Girl. Ok Ladies. I want you all to listen up because this is important. Today I found this posted in the locker room. Yep. Don't act like you didn't see it. You there, Baxton, can you see it in the back? Can you see it now? Ok.  I want you to take a good long look at this. I want you to take this in. I know one of you put it up there. Now maybe you thought it was funny. Maybe you think you're trying to send a message about what's right. Maybe you're just trying to be titillating. Yes I just said titillating. Yup, laugh it up ladies, go ahead. I'll wait here all day.

Keep laughing because I have two words for you: Hell to the FUCK NO. Ok? Yes I am serious. Look, people, people, calm down. This is no way to carry on. If you want to suckle your teenage son before he gets his license, go on ahead; suckle him at the prom, I don't care. Suckle him at the goddam half-time of his champion soccer game, but don't you dare put your hand on your hip and glare at me and try to act like you are doing the right thing, the better thing for your child. Don't sass me with your "Are you Mom Enough?" FUCK YOU. Listen to me. Now, I love ya, and I know you're trying to do the right thing here, but this has nothing to do with being a good mother. This has nothing to do with what's right for children. This has everything to do with you being a control FREAK. This has everything to do with the fact that you want to work but you also want to prove that you're a good mother. This has everything to do with the fact that you're probably not getting your groove on with your baby daddy. OH YES I DID LADIES. Yes I motherfucking did. Go ahead. Tell me I'm a damaged, woman-hating, self-hating, sad, judgmental, uptight bitch who can't help it because I grew up in a paternalistic society. Go ahead. Get it all out. I'll wait. I can take it. It's nothing I haven't heard before. You done? OK. First of all I'm not talking to you gals who nurse for a year, ok? Second of all, titties are for sexual pleasure. End of story.

BAXTON: But that's not--

COACH: (holding a hand up) Up-bup-bup -bup-bup. Save it Baxton. I'm not saying titties aren't also for giving milk. But which comes first? Which is it? That's right: Sex. Then baby. Boom. End of story. Why do you think people are upset by this photo? That's right. It's sexual. THAT IS ALL. You think I'm a pervert? Ok. Fine. It's sexual. And come on, be honest, no one likes a pedophile. (Least of all that poor uncomfortable-looking child in the photo).

I'm not going to waste my time here if you're not going to be honest with me about this. It's not beautiful, it's not loving. It's sex-U-AL. And I'm not saying it's not all right to be sexual. Come on. Please. But I'll say it again: No one likes a pedophile.

Third of all, and this is where I want you to fall in and listen up, this is not about what's best for your baby. You need to admit that. This is about you. This is about the fact that you can't admit that you know nothing about being responsible for the growth and well being of another human being. And guess what babe, that's OK. None of us do. We're all just making it up as we go along. We read the books, we buy the organic food (some of us), we don't yell at our kids (all day long), we ask them their opinion, but guess what your children are still going to have issues. They're still going to struggle in the world. Why? Because they're human. They're still going to hate you at some point but (hopefully) they'll get through it.
So please, for the love of sweet heavenly Father, please don't post pictures like this. It stirs up battles. It stirs up anger. It stirs up hatred. The woman in the photo is going to get death threats as well as propositions and then pretend like she's still "right". The poor child, god bless him, I can guarantee you, is still going to have hard times in his life (possibly more than average). We do not need this right now. I'm all for titties in the face, but not here. Not like this. And by the way, one more thing, this woman is 26, she's young, her boobs are still perky, she's blond. If you're going to hang a photo like this in the locker room, let's have the balls to be realistic.

Ok ladies, give me 25 push-ups! That's two five. Come on. (blows whistle)

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