The Gap

I went to the Gap yesterday to return some kids pants that I should have returned a while ago. The guy at the register told me that because it was past the 60 day limit, I could only get 60% off the regular price, even though I had a receipt that said I had paid full price.

I have relatives who will not accept this sort of ass-raping but unfortunately none of them were with me to speak on my behalf. I had accepted the possibility of this exact scenario before going in the store and was hoping I would find a nice gap person who would be happy to overlook the 60-day issue (I usually do) but I knew there were odds.

Ok, I said (do what you gotta do).

The guy picked up the pants, held them an inch in front of his face, SNIFFED THEM, and put them down in front of me.

Is this a dog hair?

It... might be?

I don’t think I can sell these now with all the dog hair and dander.

All the dander?

Yes, the dander.

Can’t you just go like this? (I said and shook the pants like a picnic tablecloth) Voila!

But see, I know there is still dander on there. A customer who has allergies might buy those and sue us.

Seriously?

Oh yes, you can never be too certain. (he unclipped his walkie from his straight-n-skinny mid-rises and called for the manager)

But these pants are now 6.99.

I’m sorry mam, some people are seriously allergic.

Do you think those people leave the house though? Don’t those people shop at special stores?

The manager came over; this was the girl I had been hoping for. This was the girl who had friends, realistic plans, and good healthy bowel movements. She picked up the pants and listened while he whispered in her ear. No. No. Uhn hn. I don’t think. I know but. No. They’re fine. She looked up at me and smiled.

All good mam. Thank you.

Yes. Thank you. I love you.

Not only that, but on the way out I saw a woman shopping in the sale section with TWO GOLDEN RETRIEVERS. I stopped and talked to them and gave each a full body massage and then shook my dandery hands all over a table of tshirts.