Tickets Anonymous

My name is Deirdre Lewis and I have a problem getting parking tickets.

(Hi Deirdre.)

Hi, um, I need to start out by saying that I just got a ticket yesterday.

(It’s ok. Don’t worry honey. You’re safe here.)

Thank you. I’m sorry—I’m going to try not to—you’re so kind.

(Go on girl. You can do it!)

Ok (clears throat). I got a ticket yesterday because I parked outside of my son’s Tae Kwon Do studio. I know… it’s a risk. I’ve gotten six tickets there already this year. Sometimes I leave my car in the loading only with my flashers on. Sometimes I park at the 15-minute spot in front of the Armenian Market. I know I know. It’s a chance that I take. I always think, I know it sounds stupid, but I always think: I’ll just run out and check every 15 minutes. Put another quarter in. Sit in the drivers seat. Whatever it takes. And then you know, behind that thought I have another thought, which is: This is my son’s Tae Kwon Do class! Shouldn’t I be allowed to get him there on time and stay and watch? Don't I have enough to worry about between leaving my job early to get him there in the first place and making sure he has interaction with a father figure, that I shouldn't have to worry about where I park. I can keep an eye on my goddam car, but let me sit on the bench and watch. I don’t mean to be self-righteous but you know, I--, I---. I can't help it. It’s just my nature.

(You can do this, Deirdre. We love you)

Ok so I parked in the 15 minute spot and I run out at 12 minutes, maybe it’s 14 and there’s that goddam freak with the bouffant, all ready with her car double parked, flashers going, her pad out, standing behind my car and I say Wait! Here I come, I have some change and she says over her shoulder, (in slow motion like a soldier about to throw a grenade), It’s.. too... late. And you know, well, I tried, I mean I, I couldn’t just…. I just snapped…

(This is the hardest part. Keep going. You’re almost there)

I told her she was a miserable human being. I asked her what it feels like to wake up every day hating herself. I asked her how it felt now that she was out of prison for molesting kittens.…

If someone had asked me: Deird would you like us to handcuff her and set fire to her head, I would have, well I… I would have said... YES. I would have. Said. yes.

(You did it, doll. Way to go. Yes!)

My name is Deirdre Lewis, and I get parking tckets.

(Clapping and cheers)

And I will never win against the parking ticket lady. I. Will Never. Win. Thank you.

(standing ovation)